98 days to go

I think I will try to write here about my days. I am still not feeling social enough to really hit the ns boards but I will try to everyday, if nothing else to let them know whether my day was 100% or not.

Today was definitly harder than yesterday, I was home all day. Kirk was home sick so that may have actually helped me stay focused. I ate all my foods, though not in any order. I adjusted how I ate my stuff so I could eat burgers with the family. Don't worry Sophia I buy super lean hamburger.lol

I know I really should start tracking all of what I eat but at this point I know the plan and for the most part I know what I can and can not have so I am just going to go with the flow. If it gets to a point where I am not losing weight or I am barely losing I will get more strict with counting everything up. Right now this is good for me to do it this way, less thinking and maybe I will actually make it last more than a few days.

One day down only 99 more to GO

So I joined a 100% group. I have so many mixed feeling on this. I have only joined one other one before and I everyday it seemed like I was the only that even followed the plan. After awhile I started doing what everyone else was doing which led me to just quitting and giving up. If you at all know me this is a pattern of mine anyways. So since that first challenge that I joined I have had a lot of start dates and ususally never made it past second to third day. First day is always great so I guess yesterday was no milestone.

LMFAO

Of course this is my luck. I stayed up till 4m this morning getting my home presentable, get up by 7am and get the boys off to school. By 9:30 I get a phone call telling me they won't be here. His son had to have emergency eye surgery and it threw his week off. He tried to call me yesterday and earlier this morning but said the phone was busy, doesn't surprise me that is one of the down falls of having the cable company as my phone carrier. So they will be here next Wed. and with any luck the house will still be clean by then, who knows maybe it will get even cleaner than what I did do(yea i will keep dreaming). Wish I could squeeze in a nap but the two younger boys will be home shortly.

Procrastination Sucks

I have people coming to the house tomorrow morning to work on the basement and clean out the ducts and I have known this for a week. So what do I do I wait till today to really clean. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew how to fricken spot clean, but nooooo I have to go through every little thing and then I have to make it perfect. What is worse is they will be in every room in the house, crap, I should have done this last week, actually I should have done this a long time ago. So now it is 2am and I am not even close to being done, they will be here by 8am. They are going to be breaking concrete in the basement so I probably won't get a nap in there somewhere, plus the two younger boys have a half day so they will be home by 11:30am, then I have a conference at 2pm. To top it off I have to close tomorrow night..and figure out when to get at least an hour of flyering in because I didn't do it yesterday while it was gergeous outside because I was cleaning, well attempting too, I was cleaning off the computer desk which led to completely clearing it off and cleaning everything little thing, including taking the computer apart...It was raining today, it is supposed to rain Friday and then I am opening Sat and Sun...If I don't get it in then he won't let me do it during the week on my own anymore. Well my little break/vent is over I have to figure a way to quick clean the rest because just sitting here long enough to write this I am falling asleep....

Managing my time

After re-reading my last post I realize there has got to be a better way to manage my time. I don't work that many hours and I am home for the most part the rest of the time. So I think for starters I am going to start with not turning this on until the evening time.
This way I can give my family the time they need during the day, I can actually get some housework done, and when I get home from work or when everyone goes to bed I can give my online friends the time they deserve. I may not be able to do this every night but most nights I will make it work.
It is also time I truly do something with this weight, I am going to join Sophia's next challenge and with a little luck and a whole lot of determinitation I will lose more than the same five pounds I have been losing for the past eight months.
Well I should start this today so I am outta here till sometime later tonight or tomorrow night..

Am I losing the connection

These past few weeks, okay at least a month, I have been living in my own little world again. I have found that when I am focused on one thing I forget about the world around me. I have been focusing so much on my marriage that I am forgetting about those close to me. Well I am not forgetting about them I am forgetting to be there for them. I have no idea how to manage my time so I can be around for everyone that needs me. If I focus on home I slack at work and with friends, if I focus on work then I slack at home and with friends, same with friends. I don't know why I can only deal with only thing at a time. My mind can be all over the place but if I don't do one thing at a time then I pretty much don't do anything at all.

So how do I fix this? For that matter how do I fix it before it is too late. I do not want to lose my family, I do not want to lose my friends, and well, I probably do want to lose my job but at the moment I can not lose that. How do I manage to keep up with all of them and not go crazy while trying to do so. None them make me crazy, it is just my brain working and trying to remember everything that makes me crazy. I don't want anyone to feel like I am ignoring them. I do want them to know that when my mind gets like this I lose the ability to say what I want too, because my mind wanders so much I can never get it out right.

hmmm, is this the real reason I lost Jodi as a friend? While she was going through her shit I was going through my issues with Kirk. Was I ignoring her and not realizing it? Maybe I was so focused on myself that I just didn't listen to her when she needed me. well after writing that down it makes me look really selfish. Maybe I am, I don't want to be like that though, I want to be there for my friends as much as they are there for me. At the same time I am afraid if I focus on only them it will cost me something else that is important to me. How the heck do I do this???????????

I did the strangest thing

Last night I went out with a friend of mine and we went and a few drinks. He just broke up with his fiance and was a little bummed but wanted to buy me a drink for my birthday. Well after I had a few drinks and he was beyond trashed he asked me to go do something with him, no not that, give me a little credit, he said I had to trust him, it is something he does and did while growing up. So I said sure why not as long as it doesn't involve standing on a bridge. So he proceeds to tell me that we are going to the train tracks and stand next to the moving train. My first thought was shit the dude is it that bad he is going to jump in front of a train, but he promised that was not the case and he would never do that to me or anyone else for that matter. So we went and we were standing in the middle of one of the tracks to see if the train was on that one or the one next to it. It was on the one we were standing on so we stepped off and we stood next to the tracks while this train was whizzing by. It literally took your breath away. If you stretched your hand out you would lose it that is how close we were. It was creepy and exhilarating all at the same time. I wish I could really describe it better. So we stuck around for a bit longer waiting for the next train, he said let's stand in the middle of the opposite tracks for this one, I decided that we should stand in between the two sets of tracks instead. That was even more creepy...Now this might not seem like much to anyone or maybe you have done it before, but it was exciting to me. I am afraid of so many things, I don't even like amusement park rides because they freak me out. I figured this would be different because i was just standing there and wouldn't get sick from moving like the rides. Boy you were moving though, I felt like if I had let go of my friend I would have blown away with the wind.
All this leaves me thinking about that life thing again, how I get bored so easily. I just don't take risks so of course I am bored. then I was thinking of why and I realize that I don't want to take risks alone, I want someone there with me to push me along when I need it and to pick me up when I fall. I want someone to stand next to me while the train is whizzing by. Would Kirk do it? As far as the train itself I think he would shrug his shoulders at me and tell me I was nuts and then get mad at me for even thinking of letting alone doing it. He is the same with normal things in life, he doesn't back me up or pick me up when I need it. When I ask him too he will but not for long nor the extent that I need him too. He has never backed me up with any of my crazy ideas, though he thinks he does because he lets me do it. How do I get him to realize that it is more than that. By him 'letting me' isn't that a father thing, control thing, I let you go on that trip even though I thought it was a bad idea. I have a father I don't need another one. I want him to take chances with me, I know until we do we are going to be stuck right here where we are at forever, we are going to be poor, living in a place we hate and doing nothing, though he might not be miserable just sitting and doing nothing I am....I want out of this state and I want to be successful with something in my life. The something I still need to figure out. All I know at the moment is I am tired of just sitting around and doing nothing...
So now back to my friend i am extremely worried about him, he finally found true love, dude is forty and basically a player, but he found her and he messed up because he didn't know what to do with these new found feelings. They basically split so he went to his crazy ex-girlfriend for a shoulder and a friend(he has a bad habit of staying friends with his ex's).Well his crazy ex took that as a sign of they will get back together so she is now basically stalking him. While he and I were hanging out she showed up and thought we were an item, she obviously didn't remember meeting me and my family at my brothers wedding, so I reminded her of that. But she didn't care she assumed he was seeing me so she flipped out on him. I have never seen this man so angry he told her to leave his house like twenty times or he would remove her and she said no. So he did that, he moved her out(now mind you he is not a violent man towards women, at least not in the thirty years I have known him for), and then she was ringing the door bell and banging on the door, he has neighbors upstairs and it was the middle of the night since we closed the bar. He was so upset I was afraid he was going to hurt her so I stepped in and asked her to leave and she tried pushing me out of her way. I almost had my very first real fist fight, over a guy and it wasn't even a guy I was involved with.lol So while I was holding her back he left out the back door and took off in his car. I let go of her and said well see ya have a nice life and went home. Called him because he shouldn't have been driving he was beyond drunk. He apologized for flipping out, and apologized for her behavior and said happy birthday again. I tried to call him today and couldn't get a hold of him so I am worried, worried that his crazy ex was still there when he got back and worried that he was drunk and did something stupid...Is he in jail? Did he decide to go back to the trains, shoot he was drunk, depressed and pissed off.
Not much more to say to that since I haven't heard from him.
So for my birthday this year I got a burnt dinner from my husband but so glad he was thoughtful and tried, means so much to me that he did that. Then I got have a few drinks have a train arms length away whizzing by me and meet a psycho ex-girlfriend and realize I am so glad I was never like that. But then I guess you would have to be crazy in love to get that way and that I have never truly experienced and never will.....

Yet again....Life

Life happens. Sometimes you can sit back and watch and other times you have to get up off your ass and just move forward. For the longest time I have been one to just sit back and watch, wait and see what happens. Then I got bored with that so I went searching for something better, that something better didn't last long nor did I think it would. So I made my current life better at least for a little while. The current is slowly, yet quickly, becoming the old again and I am lost at what to do with that. Sometimes I am happy with what I got but other times I just want to see what is on the other side. I don't mean a taste of it, I already tried that, I mean full blown go for it and be there. But how do you do that, how do you give up or change something that has been a part of you for over your half your life. How do you explain that you have no real reason to change it other than you just want something different. What if you do go for that change and the something else is not better? It is too late to go back to what you had and you are left with nothing and always searching for what you had. Then I think what if you don't go in search for that something different you are left wondering if it would be better and that you are just sitting back and watching your life pass you by. How do you do both? How do you keep what you have and see if something out there is better? I already know the answer to that, you can't. You can't have both. You have to choose and you have to live with that choice.

Now to figure out when these feelings came about. Did they just happen overnight, well last year or so, or have they been growing for years and years? I don't know the answer to that one yet, but I do know that sitting at home and not being in the real world makes you think that there is nothing else out there for you and then being thrown into society again makes you realize that there is something out there. At the same time you wonder if you really fit in that society. Maybe you should just stay put and learn to make the best of what you have.

Why do I need recognition

I don't understand why I need to be noticed, mainly when it is good.
Just over a week ago my boss(Mark) said there was going to be a management meeting between him, the assistant(Janet) and the two shift runners(Sumner and myself). He said he wanted to discuss how things are currently being run and how to change what needed to be changed and how to improve business. He wanted us to write down outlines and subjects to cover and what we think can be done to improve sales. When he said he wanted input from us I start taking notes and jotting ideas down. I covered everything from manangement setting a better example, being more involved with communication with each other and with other employees. I came up with a few ideas, some of it came from Kirk and then I altered what he said and made it better fit the current. I came up with ideas for marketing not just the idea of more marketing but I came up with suggestions for specific flyers. I came up with ideas for improving drivers attitudes and ways on how to get the motivated to want to be better.

So by Saturday the Janet and Sumner brought up their list, they said to each other "want to know how much I have done, or written down? nothing" and here I was saying almost four pages. So today comes along and the Janet didn't have anything written down and Sumner has one page of notes that she wrote this morning before she came into work and here I am with six pages written out. Left to wonder if I did more than asked of or am I an ass kisser.

So the Mark gives us a basic outline of what subjects we are going to touch base on, we all give our input. I have written down something on almost all of these subjects, missed one of them, but still had some input. We tended to go a little off subject or elaborate on one thing more then needed to be but overall we covered the outline. I was sitting there flipping through pages so I could point out anything I had written on the subject and trying to add a little further to it. When the meeting was basiically over Mark did give me the extra time to listen to my ideas. I threw them out and he said yes that can work, no that can not work and here is why, blah, blah....which left me actually asking him were my ideas any good, is this what you asked for, and making him recognizing the work I had done. I mean did he even notice...
I also myself answering questions that came from Janet and Sumner for him, at one point I opoligized because I caught myself doing it and he said it was fine that we were for input and it helps to know who knows what.
One of my ideas was to target specific street or sectors with the flyers that had really great deals valid for one week only on them and they would only be good for one week. janet wanted to make each sector to have different specials and I impatiently let her finish what she was saying and then threw out this is why that idea won't work, it would be more cost effective to print out the same flyers(can print a thousand for less money than a hundred and pay more) and leave the expiration dates open to filled out manually, that way if there are any extra they won't need to be thrown out, they are open to be used anytime. After I said I wondered if I was right and Mark did confirm that, so hey I was right again and loving it.LOL
My other idea also had to do with the flyers but different ones and have the drivers have a competition based on these flyers. That was almost a good idea. Mark said he did like it and may use it when he owns his own store but his sources are limited now. Turns out the owner is all for keeping management happy but that is far as it goes, guess he sees it as the managers are happy and required to keep everyone else that way. However without proper incentives I don't see it happening. Mark had said he was going to start doing evaluations on everyone, usually when you think of evaluation you think raise, but drivers don't get raises so I said we should have employee of the month and if you get it that month you get something. So we are working on the something but he liked that idea.

So now the meeting is over and I am left to wonder if Janet and Sumner were upset with me, did I overstep them? Were they mad because I had more idea and they were more elaborate ideas then they did? Was what I was doing really team work or was it me showing off that I think I know more than them. I don't think I know more than them but I do have a habit of letting them know if something is wrong or not "the standard" way and why it is like that.

Then I wonder did this make Mark think more of me. Or do I talk to much and ask too many questions. I am constantly asking him questions about how stuff gets done and why it is done that way. Either because I just want to know or because I have an idea and I need the information before I can move forward with an idea, mostly just because I want to know everything.lol
Overall I wonder why I put so much time into it, I always tell him I do not want to be a manager. I just don't have the time that is needed for real management, yet if I don't care or don't want it why did I give it so much thought. It then makes me question why I don't want it, I really could figure out a way to do it, I really could be more available and it not really hurt my family. I had it stuck in my head that I wanted to be a stay at home mom for so long. Does it fall back on why I am always quitting things? I am always afraid of failure and quit before it can ever get to that point. Am I also afraid of success? Or is it just that if I succees it will most likely lead to me failing at something and ultimately it would just be better to avoid it all together.

So much for spring.

It is snowing outside :(

This has been one of those weeks to drive anyone insane(or at least me) but other than not talking to anyone online I am handling it quite well. The cars are fixed. Had a scare with the youngest the other night but other than having a sinus infection and a virus he is alright. The oldest has a sinus infection also. Kirk has been sick too but as I predicted he went back to work instead of going to the dr. he must like suffering. I had a break from work this week, only working three days, good thing too since yesterday when I was cooking oil splattered up on my wrist and half my arm. It isn't too bad just red and stings, definitly would make it hard to make those pizzas.

The kids start their spring vacation tomorrow. Ususally I dread it but I miss them since I started working so I will enjoy the time with all of them. May change my mind half way through next week.lol I think it is calling for more cold and snow next week so we aren't going to be outside much, unless there is enough snow for a snowman or a snowball fight.

Well I think I was going to write but the youngest is in bed crying so I need to find out what is wrong. later...