weight, life, emotions

I just can't seem to get it together. Kirk is finally doing things right, I mean he always did right by us, but he is finally doing all the things I want him to do. It seems like things couldn't be better. Yet they could, at least on my part. There are all these things I should be doing and things I want to do but when it comes down to it I am just fucking lazy. I wake up in the morning and hang with the youngest, then he goes to school and I either sit and watch t.v or I play on the stupid computer.

Diet wise I am just as lazy about that, I don't feel like cooking so I just eat whatever is the easiest to put together. If I am out and about then I end up with fast food. I can't figure out why I keep doing these things to myself. Why don't I have any ambition? There is so much to be done around the house and I just look at it and say screw it, it will get done someday. I can't stick to any type of commitment for more that a week or so, And every night I go to bed telling myself I will do better tomorrow and when tomorrow rolls around I am doing all the wrong things again.arggggggggg

My mind is in going so many different directions. I quit my job and though he said it is okay I can't help but worry that he didn't really mean that. Of course I give notice and it is four weeks later and I am still there and at least for another two or so weeks. YAY...NOT!!!!!!

I haven't gone out much lately and when I have Kirk is with me, which is great, but when he doesn't want to go out I am afraid to go alone, I am afraid of what he will think if I am out with people. Will he question what I am doing? Will he believe me when I tell him where I am am? Then I can't help but wonder how long it will be before he doesn't care at all, how long before he sees right through me again and just doesn't care if I am here or not. It bugs me that I am thinking this way, why can't I just trust that he means it this time that he really listens and gets what I am saying instead of his 'yea whatever' attitude. I think he is finally done going through my stuff, which is a plus. As said before I understand why he is doing it but just can't get over that eerie feeling that my stuff is being invaded, or that if I say something it will be taken the wrong way. Or maybe he is still going through my stuff hoping he finds answers to something that isn't there, and will never be there because it never was there to begin with.

Though I am not sure when it will happen I am sooo looking forward to going to Co again and seeing my friends, I miss them so much. I have been so out there lately that I am ignoring them again, of course they seem to be in the same boat as far as being talkative. I wish I could fly all over the world and be there for each of them, they all have stuff going on in their lives, some of it quite painful and I just don't know how to be there over the computer. If I were next to them I would be able to say something, well probably not, but I would be right there and they would just know I am there for them. Shit how do put in to words that you feel their sorrow, that even though you are not going through it directly, but because they mean so much to you that you hurt with them. The same goes when they have happiness in their lives.

With all the stuff going on at home lately I am really missing Jodi, I was always able to talk to her and she could bring me my mood up when I am down. Though for the past few years it hasn't been that way. I at least have a new friend, Sumner, but it just isn't the same, maybe someday it will be. I hope so she is pretty cool and she is a little out there which is so cool, because she is herself and doesn't care what others think about that.

Well I am sure there is so much more to say but I have an appointment in the morning and I have to close the store tomorrow night so I have to sleep now or at least try :(.......