weight, life, emotions

I just can't seem to get it together. Kirk is finally doing things right, I mean he always did right by us, but he is finally doing all the things I want him to do. It seems like things couldn't be better. Yet they could, at least on my part. There are all these things I should be doing and things I want to do but when it comes down to it I am just fucking lazy. I wake up in the morning and hang with the youngest, then he goes to school and I either sit and watch t.v or I play on the stupid computer.

Diet wise I am just as lazy about that, I don't feel like cooking so I just eat whatever is the easiest to put together. If I am out and about then I end up with fast food. I can't figure out why I keep doing these things to myself. Why don't I have any ambition? There is so much to be done around the house and I just look at it and say screw it, it will get done someday. I can't stick to any type of commitment for more that a week or so, And every night I go to bed telling myself I will do better tomorrow and when tomorrow rolls around I am doing all the wrong things again.arggggggggg

My mind is in going so many different directions. I quit my job and though he said it is okay I can't help but worry that he didn't really mean that. Of course I give notice and it is four weeks later and I am still there and at least for another two or so weeks. YAY...NOT!!!!!!

I haven't gone out much lately and when I have Kirk is with me, which is great, but when he doesn't want to go out I am afraid to go alone, I am afraid of what he will think if I am out with people. Will he question what I am doing? Will he believe me when I tell him where I am am? Then I can't help but wonder how long it will be before he doesn't care at all, how long before he sees right through me again and just doesn't care if I am here or not. It bugs me that I am thinking this way, why can't I just trust that he means it this time that he really listens and gets what I am saying instead of his 'yea whatever' attitude. I think he is finally done going through my stuff, which is a plus. As said before I understand why he is doing it but just can't get over that eerie feeling that my stuff is being invaded, or that if I say something it will be taken the wrong way. Or maybe he is still going through my stuff hoping he finds answers to something that isn't there, and will never be there because it never was there to begin with.

Though I am not sure when it will happen I am sooo looking forward to going to Co again and seeing my friends, I miss them so much. I have been so out there lately that I am ignoring them again, of course they seem to be in the same boat as far as being talkative. I wish I could fly all over the world and be there for each of them, they all have stuff going on in their lives, some of it quite painful and I just don't know how to be there over the computer. If I were next to them I would be able to say something, well probably not, but I would be right there and they would just know I am there for them. Shit how do put in to words that you feel their sorrow, that even though you are not going through it directly, but because they mean so much to you that you hurt with them. The same goes when they have happiness in their lives.

With all the stuff going on at home lately I am really missing Jodi, I was always able to talk to her and she could bring me my mood up when I am down. Though for the past few years it hasn't been that way. I at least have a new friend, Sumner, but it just isn't the same, maybe someday it will be. I hope so she is pretty cool and she is a little out there which is so cool, because she is herself and doesn't care what others think about that.

Well I am sure there is so much more to say but I have an appointment in the morning and I have to close the store tomorrow night so I have to sleep now or at least try :(.......

another week gone by

well weight wise has been good, down another three pounds. That is seven for two weeks. Went shopping Friday and bought some clothes 2 sizes down from what I was wearing. I don't think it was because I lost so much but more because I wear clothes that are sooo big.
Last week overall royally sucked, my husband read something I wrote and mistook for something that it wasn't, not that it was good but it wasn't what he thought. But I think more came out than he would have wanted to know, like all the debt we are in and just how bad my gambling problem was four years ago. Then friday night I came home from work and he confronted on some stuff I had that he had never seen before, that turned out to be something so beyond stupid and I think made him realize just how much he does not pay attention or notice me. We are still having some trust issues at the moment but I know we will get through it. I hope!!!!
Friday I gave my brother my notice at Domino's I know I can do the job and mostly I don't mind doing it but for some reason I don't focus with anything at home. It is like I am either there or here and can't do both. Plus when a fun job becomes stressful it is usually time to go, not that is really when it is time to go but the way it has been at home it was definitly my time to go. This is the first time I have ever quit on my brother and not been pregnant, it was strange that's for sure. He already knew I was going to give him my notice, he had an interview set up for Tuesday. Funny he knew before I did.

Turns out I can not count.haha

I have no idea what day it is, I think today is day 8 or 9. I don't care, it is what it is. Anyway today was a good day. I only left the house long enough to go to the bank and the gas station. Food wise I started off a little slow, probably because I stayed up all night, but I managed to work it out and make today a 100% day. I am fully geared to make the rest of week 100% also. The scale went down Sunday and there is no way I want to see those numbers go back up. I have incentives. This girl offered to do my highlights for me when I hit twenty pounds loss and I am getting my tattoo when I lose thirty pounds. It will happen, I would be stupid to not let it happen. I can't wait!!!

Day 6 and 7

Day 5 was great definitly a 100% with exercise no less...well typical me can always find a reason to screw something up. Saturday I was so on the go I didn't eat enough so by the end of the night I was starving. I had issues at work and quit yet again(though still have a job, sucks working for family) and then had comapny over so I ended up eating at Denny's at 1am. Then today I was at work most of the day and we were busy, to the point where I couldn't even get a minute to myself, so I barely managed to drink a bottle of water and didn't get anything to eat, so of course when I got home and had to go to straight to the store I was done for. I must admit I probably didn't go over my calorie intake or if I did it wasn't by much but it was still off plan. I ordered a sandwich and a salad and they gave me soup, I was too tired to go back so I ate the soup. I hate having female issues(incase any guys read this I will try not to say my period so much)I am craving chocolate and my husband ate my sugar free stuff, guess he didn't realize it was sugar free.lol So tomorrow I do not have to work other than the couponing thing which at this point is optional when I do it so if the weather is nice I will if nothing else for the walk, ok let's be honest and for the money..Hopefully I will, NO I WILL do better and I will if nothing else beable to say I was 6/7 on the challenge......

Day 5

I forgot to write in here yesterday. I went out for a little while and then came home, I almost went to the bar to Blue's night but last minute decided not to go. Good thing or I wouldn't be able to report 100% for yesterdays food. Today I have to focus and make sure I get all my meals in before I go into work at 5pm otherwise those pizzas will be calling me. I can not believe what the scale said this morning, I still don't want to jinx it by saying anything but wow it is a good week.
So yesterday I went with my friend to watch him get a tatoo. While I was there I was looking at some eagle tats because I am going to get one on my arm. I am going to work with them as to how to make the eagle a little more girly because they tend to look more manly, not sure how we are going to do that though. The girl there mentioned putting it on a flower or having a sun in the background, my comment to that was uhh that might be too girly.lol So there was one pic there that had clouds behind it and a few stars, I was thinking something like that, a purple or lavender color cloud behind it or but we will see. maybe I will search something on the net. My friend was getting a dragon and they are soooo cool, I may consider getting one of those instead, or both.lol
I told Kirk I was going there and he looked at me really strange, I told him I was going to set a goal and when I hit it I was going to get the tat, he said alright, which means two things, either he is fine with it or he isn't and thinks I won't hit that goal. I am thinking he thinks I won't hit it, funny his actual comment was when I hit that goal and hold it for three months. Well that won't work because I am not going to wait till I am my total weightloss goal I think I am going to do it when the 100% challenge is over. I put down to lose 26 pounds during the challenge, so I am going to up that and when I lose 30 pounds I am getting the tat. There decided.lol

Well I did it---day 4

I managed to make people lots of pizzas tonight and I did not eat any,(those damn steak pizzas were looking and smelling soooo good) I didn't even snack on any of the topping, in fact all I did tonight, food wise, was drink water and chew a piece of sugar free gum. I think I may have missed some stuff,maybe a dairy or something, but have no desire to figure it out now as it is almost 2am and I am tired, so it is what it is, as far as I am concerned I was 100% today.

Other than that everything seems to be the same. Oh they are digging up the basement so I got to hear a jackhammer all day and get to do it again tomorrow, it is not a permament fix but should help the basement from flooding for a few years, hopefully....

day 3

Well today turned out to be a pretty good day. Dinner was a little rough but I made it work and fit into plan without any questions. Tomorrow night will be a challenge, I have to eat most of my meals early in the day and early enough that I don't get a stomache ache and then go to work and close. I haven't made it to the store for easy to take to work foods, so I am really just going to have willpower, I think if I get hungry I can just eat the veggies again like I did Sunday, with any luck it will be enough to get rid of any cravings I may have.
I have a bad habit of weighing everyday but instead of sharing the daily ups and downs I am just going to say that I am pretty optimistic that it will be at least a three pound loss, with any luck it will much more because next week is pre period week and I know it will be bad, not food wise just weight wise.lol oooh come to think of it that may effect this weekend, okay I am without a doubt going to stick to plan just so it shows loss, and for other obvious reasons(duh)