THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2006
A Fresh Start
Not sure if anyone wanders here or not.
This started out as being my journal for weight loss, then it turned to my venting place and eventually it was ignored like many other aspects of my life. Eventually everything was lost because I have very little computer skills and my computer pretty much lost everything, okay so it was me but I am still not sure how it happened.
When I was writing in here almost daily about my weight issues I seemed to do better as far as that part of my life went.
So this is going to be my fresh start. I am going to start writing here again about anything and everything. It won't be daily but I will try to update often. For those of you that wander here and are not interested in a fat girls life(yes I said fat because that is what I am) then please do not bother yourself with reading any further..
I am 31 years old and I am fat, don't like that term, how about severely obese. How did I get this way, simple I like food, of course all the wrong foods. Sometimes I do not eat much in a day, one maybe two meals and other times I stuff my face all day long.
In the past I had tried many quick fix diets. Never for more than a few weeks, mostly it was diet pills as I was looking for that quick fix without having to any work, of course if you read the fine print on all those diet pills they all say best results with exercise and sensible eating. What I later learned is you didn't actually need the pills you just need to do what the directions on them say, exercise and eat sensibly.
A few years ago I decided I was going to try Nutri System out. Yea I know somewhere in my mind I was looking for that quick fix but what I found out and learned is there is no quick fix it all about changing habits and following through with those changes.
Here is my life long story, or at least a portion of it(needless to say this will be long):
I am 31 years old, married and four children. Growing up I was always bigger then other kids, I was shy and picked on a lot. I bet you are going to think I am going to write that this is the reason I am fat today, but it is not. In fact the kids weren't picking on me because I was fat it was because I was weird and quiet. It was actually my dad and my grandmother who called me fat. My grandmother used to tell me to tell me how fat I was getting but at the same time was shoving all sorts of food in front of me. My father loved to tell me how fat I was and call me thunder thighs and few other choice names, yet like my grandmother he was basically shoving the food in my mouth. In his house you had no choice but to eat and eat everything that was put in front of you. Let me tell you he could cook, and he had cooked in the army and never really got over cooking in large amounts. Now that I think back between he and my grandmothers cooking, everything included lots of desserts potatoes, breads and high carb , high fat foods. All those yummy foods....Eventually I moved out of my dads house and back with my mother. Well my mother is shorter than 5ft tall and for longest time never weighed over 95lbs. She could eat anything and never gain weight. So while I lived with her since neither of us knew how to cook everything was either a frozen dinner or came out of a can or jar. Spaghetti was a common dinner in our home. Breakfast, well we never ate it and sometimes didn't bother with lunch. During this time, my teenage years, I wasn't obese but I was bigger than most girls my age, I was almost the biggest girl in school. Still I was very rarely picked on for being fat, mostly because I was weird. Actually everyone assumed I was on drugs because I wore Metallica, megadeth and slayer t-shirts and smoked cigarettes. I am not saying I never tried the stuff but it just wasn't my thing. I just wanted to listen to my heavy metal music and be left alone. I eventually grew out of that faze, well I still like heavy metal but I also like other music as well. When I was 16 I would go on slim fast diets with my sister-n-law. We drink the shakes and then eat raw veggies and whatever for dinner, as I thought you could do that, isn't that what the commercials implied...By the time I was 18 I had managed to get down to about 130 which was my ideal weight according to the charts. Not bad as I was about 140 something before that. Well I was working at a pizza shop and a grocery store so my food choices still weren't great. At the age of 18 I became pregnant with my first child and I think this is where I first went really wrong with food. I ate and ate and did nothing but sit on my butt all day. I was tired all the time and never truly factored in that it was because I was eating so much, just passed it as being pregnant. I gained about 60 lbs while I was pregnant with him. After I had him I did a few diet things and got down to maybe 150. Then two years later I became pregnant with my second child, with him it was different, I ate but I only gained 15-20lbs during that pregnancy. It was actually afterwards that I gained I was hungry all the time and I had some serious hormonal problems due to the type of birth control I was on. Within a year I had gone from 150 to 180. I did nothing about it. Sure I would buy all the latest pills or diet fads that were out at the time but I never really gave any of them more than a week of my attention. I was with someone who loved me and didn't seem to care to that I was fat(he still doesn't) so I had the attitude that I didn't really care either as long as I was happy. So I ignored my personal appearance and just lived day to day as if I were normal. A few years after my second son was born I was pregnant with my third(yes I know I seriously needed better birth control) with him I had gained about 40lbs. Which brought me up to about 220lbs. I would just pass it off as I was pregnant and it was normal to gain and after I had him I would go back to where I was. Well he was born with some serious medical and I never took the time to even try to go back. I stayed right around 190. Between living at the dr's office and the hospital we pretty much ate all fast food and pizza. Of course I would only feel fat while staying up late at night watching infomercial and of course money on those quick fix diet fads. I had bought all sorts of those weird pills but never really took them because they made feel too jittery and a little crazy, turns out it was a good thing I didn't take them regularly as some of the side effects I was having were actually causing seizures and other brain problems in other people. So I would go day to day ignoring the fact that I was obese and of course no one was telling me, other than my dad who by the way is obese himself. He would always tell me if you just eat less you will lose weight. Yet everyday he and I would have lunch at some fast food place and as time went on I would crave these foods. I have a problem making decisions so instead of just ordering one sandwich I would order two sometimes three or four and then I would feel compelled to eat them all. By the time I became pregnant with my fourth son, four years after the third I was basically a closet eater, I would go get my dad his fast food and make up some excuse as to why I couldn't eat with him and I would bring three or four sandwiches home and eat them when no one else was around. My husband had no clue to the amount of I was eating. After awhile I didn't care if he knew. I would just eat and eat. Occasionally he would make a comment like are you really going to eat all that but never so serious or in a tone to make me feel like I was doing something wrong. See he would eat the same amounts, though he never gains weight, he to this day weighs less than a 150lbs. Sometime after my last son was born I had seen my dads girlfriend lose a lot of weight and she looked great and felt great and of course I looked at myself and finally realized I was fat. So I had her give me her diet plan, she was going through one of those popular diet centers, though I could not afford to go to their center and sign up so she gave me the basic plan. I had started it but not wholeheartedly as we were house hunting and that was stressful. I of course used that as an excuse to not eat healthy, plus healthy food is expensive and we needed every extra penny to move with. So that was short lived. I continued to eat like crap and not let anyone know that my weight bothered me. So we fast forward, we bought our first house and are settled in, so I decide I really want to do something about my weight, but I hate cooking let alone healthy foods as I know my husband and kids are not going to like eating the same stuff as I am. Yes I know it would be good for the kids and for the most part they don't eat bad. They have their dad's metabolism and just don't seem to gain weight no matter how much they eat. In fact they are all underweight according to the dr's charts. So I decide to look into to one of those "fad" diet places where you buy their food. I figure for what I was spending on fast foods everyday I could afford that instead. I went to the Nutri System site because I remembered seeing commercials that they deliver right to your door, I figure how great is that no centers to go embarrass yourself in and no stupid councilors to ask you why you ate what you did that day and ect..Somehow I think I was already setting myself up for failure or maybe a way to not be accountable for my actions. So I order the food and it is alright, some of it was nasty but growing up on t.v. dinner a lot of the food was actually really good to me. I told myself one month. I would stick to for one month if I could do that I would continue it. So I weighed myself that first in at 225lbs. I stuck to it for that whole month. I found the support board and I read and talked with people that had the same struggles as I did. I read success stories and people posted pics to show their progress. I was like I can totally do this and I did for awhile. I learned how to eat and portion foods properly. I learned that I have to commit myself . I lost about 34 lbs. But I was getting cocky with the wrong foods. I would eat a bad meal here and there convincing myself it was alright as long as I went right back onto plan. See I had joined a 100 day challenge and everyone in that challenge was eating off plan more than on plan and I would convince myself that it was alright because they were doing it. Eventually one day turned into one week and eventually I stopped being 100% period. I had pretty much stayed under 200lbs and would just keep telling myself I will start tomorrow, and sometimes I did. It never last much more than a week or so. I had maintained a 30lb loss for at least six months. Then my husband was in a car accident and out of work and the stress drove me nuts. Him being home drove me nuts. I started eating what he was eating and it wasn't good, well the food tasted good but it sure wasn't healthy. This went on for about six months. By the time he went back to work I had pretty much became addicted to those same foods that helped me get fat in the first place and I was back to eating the way I was before I started NS. I stopped going to the support board and just didn't care anymore. I had gained all the weight I lost back. At one point I started eating healthy again, I managed to lose 15lbs. But again I wasn't eating their food and we were having money problems. It is so much cheaper to buy six boxes of macaroni and cheese for about the same price as a head of lettuce and a tomato. The mac and cheese lasted longer so it own out...So now we go to current times. I started working again at a pizza shop no less. I am not eating properly but my actually moving has gotten me down to about 203. At one point it was 199 without even trying. The holiday are here, that is why it is up to 203. So I keep telling myself, look at what I can do without trying imagine what will happen if I do. I can't jump right back to the whole eating healthy just yet but I am certainly going to be more conscience of what I am eating and how much. I am going to start drinking a lot of water again and stop drinking so much soda, even if it is diet Pepsi I need to stop. I am going to get organized and on a schedule again and I am going to go to the new NS forum and start going back there for support. I am going to stop making such bad food choices and get down to a healthy weight. I felt better and more confident.
Well if you made it this far I commend you, I am not sure I would have...Any support or comments would be great.
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Dee Dee said...
Sue, looks like most of us are starting over....love ya kid! WE can do it...ok ok, so not me, but you know what I mean...
Well the holidays are over
They just flew right past me. Somewhere Christmas became a day about gifts and not about celebrating Jesus or being with family. Now I am one of those that it was always about presents. I am not very religious so Christmas never had that holy meaning to me. However I do remember and miss it being about family and friends. I can remember growing up and staying with my grandparents house. My Aunt and Uncle would come over with my cousins. My grandparents would have family and friends stopping in all week and everyone would sit around with their coffee and just enjoy visiting. Their are five of us siblings and we always spent time at grandma's house. Those are most favorite memories. Not with my Mom and Dad but with Yaya(grandma), Popou(grandpa) and my Uncle Jim. When my grandpa died those gathering lessoned a lot. My granma and uncle moved into a smaller house and there wasn't enough room everyone in the house anymore. Then my grandma had a stroke and is now in a wheel chair. She can not handle too many people at once and my uncle being her care giver is just getting too tired for it. Everyone tries to invite them elsewhere but they never want to go anywhere. My grandmother always says what if someone drops by. I am sure if anyone stopped by they would understand her being at family's houses but she won't have it. So back to Christmas day current. Until a few years ago us siblings would always get together at my moms house or my grandmothers. Often we would spend much of the day traveling to different places. Since my mom moved to Florida us siblings rarely see each other much less spend any time together. I miss them. We all live within twenty minutes from each other yet we feel the need to wait till a birthday or certain holidays to hang out. Christmas is usually not one of those holidays. Everyone's excuse is no money. This is what I mean by it revolves around presents. I realize that gifts are nice and getting something little for the kids is good too but it is not a necessity. I don't think it should be an excuse anymore.
So I do get to see two of my siblings all the time but it is only because I work with them. It isn't the same though because we are working and we try to keep work separated from home, not that that really happens.
So this year on Christmas day it was just my immediate family. It was nice with just my husband and the kids but I found myself desperately wanting to go see someone. I was really missing my mom. When I went out shopping I couldn't stay out long because that was 'our' thing. She and I would always go shopping together. I hate shopping now. Don't get me wrong I still like buying things but it is not nearly as much fun anymore. I often call her while I am out trying to get that sense that she is with me.
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Sophia said...
Hugs. I think I'm struggling to recapture a 'something' from the past too...thanks for putting all that into words. Gotta think.
Thu Jan 11, 03:56:00 AM 2007
A dying friendship???
I was reading a friends blog and was reading about her anger towards many things, one of which was our group. Often times in the group there are not things to talk about or no one wants to talk about what is really going on. This friend is holding things together and is underappreciated for it. I must say I am one of those that forgets she is the rock that holds us all together. There are things said at times that are either ignored or taken the wrong way. In some cases they are taken the right way and just shouldn't have been said at all. At least shouldn't have been said to a real friend. Though all of us can be very open about our feelings we sometimes just won't say anything at all to keep peace. I can be very open about my feeling in writing but when it comes to face to face confrontation I suck. I always throw humor or snide remarks out there, but that is how I am in any situation good or bad. It is just me.
So my take on this group. More times than not I feel I could be done with it, yet there are some people I just do not want to lose touch with and I fear if this group were to 'shut down' that would happen. There are some in there that I still do not know and don't think I ever will.
I see some of them forming outside friendships and bonding and often wish I was part of that. Most of the time I feel like I am being tolerated, I THINK it is just me because this is how I have always felt. While growing up and as an adult. I always have that insecurity about whether people really like me or not. Usually I don't care but with this group, or most of them I do care.
Can you say jealousy? Yup me too....I hate feeling this way. I don't know why it bothers me, maybe I am afraid it will lead to an end of the group which will be an end to me. So now the insecure part of me is doing what I usually do, trying to be part of something I was not invited to be part of, the only difference between now and before is I am just intruding and not actually acting as someone other than myself to just fit in. I know eventually it will be my own doing that ends what could be something that could last forever because of my own stupid insecurities.
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Dee Dee said...
Sue, I wasn't talking about you, lol. There are certain people that I have looked out for in the past....no more, btw....that I just resent that they don't take the same consideration as I do for them....
BTW, did you get my message you goonball about loving meeting you and getting to know you better.
And YES we are going to Greece if I have to sell my firstborn...which at this moment wouldn't be such a bad idea
I love you, and I mean that. I love the fact that you didn't believe in the ghost, that you are strong, and that you are smart and don't believe it. I see so much of myself in you that I want to smack you upside the head, but know you'll get there.
When we see each other again it will not be a fact of Sue horning in or damn there's that Sue again. You'd know if I didn't want you there, lol, even though some people don't. :)
Keep selling those pizzas girl, we have a world to conquer.
Tue Jan 02, 05:59:00 PM 2007
sue said...
shit now I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I know you didn't mean me but I can still feel like that 'third wheel' because that is just how I am. Of course that will not stop me from showing up or having fun, it is just one of my own insecurities that I need to conquer.
Exactly how are we going to conquer the world with pizzas? I mean should I be saving them so they get rock hard and we can throw them at people or what? roflam<---rolling on floor laughing at myself------
Tue Jan 02, 10:55:00 PM 2007
Sophia said...
Sue - you're no third wheel. You're the fourth. And if a wheel falls off...the car crashes. So get your head on straight girl! :)
Oh - and I am TOTALLY horning in on this trip to Greece. Seriously. I'm ALL for that one and just need some notice of when to save up for it. I'm THERE. Uh....please? :)
Glad you vented...but that group ain't going nowhere nohow...least not in any near future...and what I KNOW isn't going anywhere is our friendship. K?
oh - and save some of that pizza money for this summer! :)
Thu Jan 11, 03:53:00 AM 2007
Luvmy4BRATs said...
Sue! I was going to write a whole bunch of stuff, but decided to say only this:
Ditto DeeDee and Sophia...
And anyway, I need a roommate for our trips
Sat Jan 13, 09:50:00 AM 2007
Terrible Three year old
I wrote somewhere how my mom had negleted us when we were young. I have since forgiven her for giving up our child hood for the bar and boyfriend. She had five kids, first one when she was just barely 18 and within a year after her dad died. Back then you had to get married there was no choice in it. So my parents were truly too young for this kind of responsibility. Not that is an excuse to not be there for her children but when my parents divorced she found herself and that didn't include small children. She eventually 'found' her way home. Of course I was a teenager by then. After going from her to my dad's and then back to my moms I have to say it was the best for us. She learned how to be a mom and a friend. Sure I got away with a lot but overall I made good choices while living with her. Not the same choices I was making while living with my dad.
So now that I am older and have four kids of my own I can actually see why she chose that life. There was regret and something missing in her life. I find myself missing those things. I definitely had my first child too young but I wouldn't change anything. I love my kids and don't plan leaving them or leaving them home to fend their selves like my mom did. After today I really want too though. My oldest was in the district spelling-bee and wanted me there, which was a shocker in itself, but I had no choice to bring the youngest. That 3yr old made such a fuss, we couldn't even be in the same room as the oldest. I did manage to hear the oldest spell one word but the youngest was being such a disruption to everyone that he spelled his word wrong. Two other kids did the same. I feel so bad, those kids were nervous enough without the distraction of my youngest. I wanted to go home but I didn't want to disappoint my oldest so I stayed in the hallways with this crazy out of control kid. You know I realize they say it is all in the parenting but if that is the case why is it the other three are calm, they for the most part listen and are well behaved in public. They at least would be quiet and sit still when you asked them too, even at ages 1,2 and 3...My initial reactions were to beat him but I didn't. I held him, I chased him, I yelled at him, I tried reasoning with him but nothing would work, NOTHING.....So after two hours of hell with him I am ready to be done. I want to go the bar and get a boyfriend and drink and see if it really is a better life. I feel like I could do it. Not so sure my husband would like that though.
posted by sue @ 3:48 PM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
Yet another hug. Sue - I'm hoping you'll feel safe and loved to come talk about this stuff with us...anytime. I've felt this way with just two pretty well-behaved kids...I'm in awe of you with your four. Truly. But you're right - our hubbies would have a tough time with that action and so we grin (sometimes) and bear it.
I think what we need is to start planning the next get together. ;)
Thu Jan 11, 03:59:00 AM 2007
THURSDAY, JANUARY 04, 2007
Interesting horoscope stuff I found
While playing a game of Majongg that I downloaded it gives you your horoscope. Here is mine: I am an Aries.
MOTTO: "I AM" keywords: assertive, individualistic, enthusiastic, leader, pioneer, action, competition, to defend, passion.
SENSITIVE: HEAD You are energetic and inspired person, an initiator who isn't frightened of taking risks. You are self-confident and to express yourself with warmth, direct honesty. You are youthful, even as you advance in years.
RELATIONSHIP: You can fall head over heels in love, but you get bored just as fast. In a relationship where everything has become predictable, you feel very disconsolate and alone. You are temperamental! You can lose your temper quite easily but thankfully it never lasts for long. All is forgotten once your angry outburst is over. You forgive and forget quickly. You believe in directness, clarity and honesty.
WORK: You like to work alone. If you are working in a team you find it difficult to accept that other people may approach things differently. You will lose your temper easily. As you have an independent attitude, you don't need other people's approval. You will often resist when others try to impose their way of thinking and/or their methods of working on you. You may find advertising, journalism and other media very interesting. Important in your profession is the ability to develop your special talents. Try to be your own boss or to take responsibility yourself.
MONEY: Money-wise you have a lot to learn. You find it very easy to spend money on people you like and buy things on impulse and feel that saving money is something for old people. Money for is for spending and to do fun things with.
Good advise for Aries: Count to ten and then do it again.
posted by sue @ 2:13 AM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
I am SUCH an Aries. Glad that we're in the same herd and not butting heads like rams are wont to do! :)
Thu Jan 11, 04:00:00 AM 2007
Nothing to say.....
I was going to write about something but now I don't remember so I guess I will wait till my thoughts come back to me. That's funny, well it isn't but it reminds me of my oldest son who used to have the best manners until he was around four. One day he said something and didn't say please and I asked him where his manners went and he told me they were hiding, so I told him to go find them and sure enough he went in the living room and was looking under the table and around the couch yelling "mannnnnerrrrs where are you"? He then came back in the kitchen to tell me they must have flown out the window because he couldn't find them anywhere. A few years later we had the same discussion about his manners, and now he knows about joking around, so he says "well they are just on a vacation, they needed a break". Yea he is my son.lol
I suppose I will have to bring it up again and see what kind of response I get now that he is twelve. It probably won't be a good one though since that teenage attitude is starting to kick in.
posted by sue @ 4:41 PM 0 comments
THURSDAY, JANUARY 04, 2007
THURSDAY, JANUARY 11, 2007
A moment of thought...sort-of
This goes back to my friends post or comes from it, out of it whatever.
I realized today why I feel closer to some of them than others. Well more than realize but I think I understand why I want/need to be accepted by them. I have to tell this story first.....
My sister -in-law died from cancer in August 1999. She was by far my best friend all the way to the point until I got pregnant with Matthew, my third son. See she had basically gotten pregnant the same weekend I got married and a few months later she found she had cancer. She ended up losing the baby because the type of chemo was too much for the baby. She was due around March 27th. They had made her go through the delivery and that happened to be on my son Gregory's birthday in October which was one year prior, that was rough. I actually called the hospital crying and telling them not to go through with it especially that day, good thing it was my mom I was talking too and not Kris. See Kris was my coach for my first two kids and I just couldn't stand to see her lose a baby....So some time goes by and on my husbands and I went away for a weekend on our anniversary and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and guess what my due date was March 27th. Well this hit my sister-n-law hard. Between being sick from the chemo and radiation and not really dealing with the loss of her baby she couldn't be around me. I was so hurt because I really wanted her there with me but I did understand. At times I would be hurt, like when my mom was showing me pictures from Kris' 30th birthday party and I didn't even know they had one. Or when she gave everyone pictures of herself and did not include me. See she had always been really big but while she was on the chemo and radiation she lost a ton of weight and she was actually proud of herself because she had not been that skinny since she was a little girl. She was sick but feeling great, if that makes any sense. So the whole time I was pregnant she talked to me maybe once. I remember my brother calling me to let me know that Kris was cancer free. OMG I was so excited for her and soo wanted to just go hug her but she wasn't ready for that yet so I stayed away. When I had Matthew and he was in ICU I without thinking had put her name on the list of people that could go in and see him. I don't know maybe I was thinking with him having medical problems she would have tried to be there for me. My brother called me and found out details when he could. A month later he had called to tell me some bad news. Kris' cancer came back and this time it was in her lymphnodes. Again I wanted to just go hug her and be with her. This time though I wasn't just going to do nothing, I called her and cried with her and told her if she needed me I was here for her. She still wasn't ready to see me or the baby. I still understood but was so mad that she wouldn't let me be there for her. My mom would tell me to calm down that I had enough on my plate right now anyways with Matthew. Well about three months later I had happened to be at my moms house and my brother and sis-n-law stopped by. I had made sure Matthew was in the other room, actually I think my mom was going to watch the kids for me for some reason and that is why we were there. Anyway Matthew woke up and was cooing and gurgling and so I went to check on him and Kris followed me. He was lifting his head and just smiling, wow that boy was always full of smiles, and such a happy baby. Kris looked at him and looked at me and started crying and hugged me so tight, she said she was so sorry and that he is beautiful. She carried him out to the living room and I could tell it was hard for my brother to see her holding him. Though he may have had to walk away because of the smell. See Matt had a colostomy and was always smelling like shit, shoot he still does but that is another story. I think within a week of that Kris took a turn for the worse. She ended up in the hospital with menejitas(sp). I went up to the hospital to see her once and had planned on going back a few days later. The day I was planning on going I ended up at her house watching her son so my brother could go to work. The next day I got a call that she had passed. I don't think I had ever really told anyone outside of my family this and here I am writing it on a public blog. If you could see me now , well I am glad you can't because I am bawling my eyes out with these memories ad so many other ones, happier ones. I MISS HER SO MUCH....
So my point for this story as that these women remind me so much of her before she got sick. Not after. Between the humor and the seriousness, mostly the humor. They have a way of seeing the real me whether I want them to or not. But they see what she saw and they treat me the way she did and as scary as it is sometimes they(one in particular) even talks like she did- fast, funny, quick witted. It blows my mind......It is as if i have her in my life still through them.
posted by sue @ 11:03 PM 3 comments
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Sophia said...
And now I'M bawling. Sue - thank you so much for sharing that. SO much. I feel like you've just let me into your life completely and I treasure that.
I've said it before - but you know I'm a FIRM believer in this:
No coincidences - Only Holy Spirit moments. Girl - we were meant to meet in the most unusual circumstances - with commonalities that neither of us want to have - and I am positive there is more revelation - for both of us - to come. And don't you DARE delete this blog entry. In fact, I'm copying it just cuz I DO know you. :)
Thank you Sue - I love you! :)
Fri Jan 12, 12:30:00 AM 2007
Anonymous said...
Thank you for sharing that Sue. I'd give you a big hug, but, you know... ;-)
Sharon
Tue Jan 16, 03:16:00 PM 2007
Luvmy4BRATs said...
Thank you for sharing that. HUGS
Fri Jan 19, 08:30:00 PM 2007
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2007
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with nothing and just don't know what to do?
I am there now. I have no idea why. For two weeks I went through every emotion imagineable. I thought I was losing my mind at one point. Been very irritable at work and just don't care at home. So by the end of two weeks and after five days of headaches and no sleep most of the time I thought maybe I was depressed or something. I even asked(to my friends, yes this is why I asked) if one even knows when they are depressed, I mean how the heck would I know, right? Well, my conclusion, evidently PMS is striking me hard. Yup that's all it is, I think. I am starting to feel better, though I am dreading work and really not caring what goes on at home. I have been living in my own little world which sometimes I do just to get my thoughts together. This time is a little different though, usually I jump right back into things and now I just don't know where to start. I have a feeling I am pissing people off by not doing so but at the moment I don't even care, how shitty of me to think this way. Then there is the guilt of not doing anything and the guilt of not caring, because I do care I am just not in a position/mood to do anything right now. Well I am but not sure where to start or if I even want too at the moment. So for now I am going back to my little world and just play stupid computer games. To my friends I apologize and will be back head strong soon enough, just give me a bit of time......
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Luvmy4BRATs said...
You know where to find me if you need to talk. HUGS!!!!
Fri Jan 19, 08:31:00 PM 2007
Sophia said...
Hoping you are coming out of the funk - and do research/google 'PMDD' at some point when you're feeling a bit better - okay? :) Similar symptoms to depression - but definitely tied to the durned tom.
HUGS to you - and ALWAYS available via email if you're not in a group mode.
Sophia
Tue Jan 23, 11:37:00 PM 2007
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 05, 2007
An update from the last post-sort of
So I was thinking it was one thing now I think it may be something else.
I think my problem is boredom and stress. Why am I stressed, because I am living a life I do not want. I do not know how to change it without someone getting hurt, or someones. I hate boring and predictable, I guess my horoscope thing was right http://seagles28.blogspot.com/2007/01/interesting-horoscope-stuff-i-found.html
I want excitement, I want attention, I want to be noticed. The thing is, the one person I want this from chooses not to do these things. Sure once in awhile he may do something nice but there is no emotion behind it. Someone asked me if I had passion in my relationship and I said yes, sometimes. I almost remember when it was and it was before we were married. So I have lived the last ten to twelve years thinking this is just how married people live. Yet I am seeing other married couples and they are not like that at all. My friend for instance, she has a great man. He calls her every day to see how she is, if she is not home he worries about her. They have been together for like 8 or 9 years and daily he tells her how much he loves her not just "I love you" but really tells her what she means to him. For her birthday instead of getting her a card and saying happy birthday he wrote a long love note. Now I am not saying all relationships should be like this, but would it hurt to be like that once in awhile. Another example, this guy I know was talking about his wife one night, it was soo obvious that he is in crazy in love. Does my husband talk about me that way, umm I doubt it since he doesn't talk to anyone. The last time my husband showed me this type of affection was when we were at a wedding and another man jumped up and said how beautiful I am, all of a sudden my husband was all "in love" of course he was also drunk. (That is when I am worth talking about, when men are drunk). You know what my husband had said before the guy made his comment. He said you look nice, after I waited a few minutes and then asked if I looked alright. After we weren't in the public eye we went back to the normal. And the whole 'beautiful' thing, my husband has said that to me twice, once when I straight out asked him if he thought I was and once when I was going to split up with him and told him he can't even say anything to me without me asking, but these are things I need to hear once in awhile and he said yes I do think you are. I don't care if I really am not beautiful, you married me tell me anyways.
I want to go out and have fun, I really want to do this with my husband but he doesn't want to do anything. Some people asked if maybe he has social anxiety/phobia, I really don't think so. I believe he is just so content and thinks this is how life is supposed to be. He is content just sitting around watching t.v and playing games on the computer or P2. If we do go out it is always me initiating it and it always me finding a sitter. Even after I tell him these are some of the ways I want him to surprise me with, you know find a sitter and take me somewhere, somewhere different. Shit we don't even have to go anywhere just find the babysitter(which by the way is always his sister)and we can have a night alone but don't make it about being able to watch a movie without distraction, make it about us. I used to do that, every year for his birthday and valentines day and sometimes there wasn't a "holiday" it was just for. I always figured out something for us to do. Shoot one year I found a sitter, made him his favorite dinner, set the table really nice, lit candles all over and on the table and we had a candle lit dinner. Actually I did that a few times. You know what he does for me every year, he buys me a card and says I didn't know what to get you, what do you want to do? Just this Christmas he did that, he said he wanted money to get me something so I made sure he had some as I handle all the bills. Then he asked me what to get. Dude think about something on your own. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money or any for that matter just let me know it comes from the heart. You know what I recieved from him. nothing. I got him a table saw and a router with a small table, Not because he needed it and not because it was expensive but because over the summer he was building stuff and I could see how much he enjoyed it so I knew he would love it and what I wanted to do was to make him happy. Why can't he want the same for me. Am I selfish? yes I am, but I am sick of looking for something that isn't there. Does he have it him to be the way I want him to be, absolutely. We were best friends before we hooked up and he had no problem being this way his old girlfriends. That is one of things that made me want to be with him, he was always showing his 'love' to them. So what is my problem, don't know. I think we had kids too young and both of us came from broken homes and we don't want to have that for our kids. I think in the long run it is actually going to hurt the kids, because we are not happy. If he is happy then I guess I am the one with the problem. Of course if you are thinking he doesn't do these little things I want because he doesn't know, well you are wrong. At first I just used to hint about it but eventually I would just come out and tell him this is what I want, this is what I want you to do on your own, make the move as I am tired of doing it all the time. See now another memory I am having, My friends brother was talking to his girlfriend about me, he had said something to the effect that it would be cool to come home to someone like me everyday because every time I would see him he would say something and I was always giving a quick witted answer. I do that with my husband also. So his girlfriend was telling me what he said, she thought it was cool, and so I told my husband because it is always nice to get a compliment even it is a weird one, and my husband said he was ass for talking to his girlfriend about me. She in no way took it as he wanted me because he didn't, he just liked my personality and thought I was cool. The reaction I was hoping to get from my husband was yes you are, aren't I lucky to have you or something mushy like that. Instead he immediately puts the guy down and it wasn't because of the comment about me it was because he told his girlfriend that.
In the course of thirteen years I realize that my love for him was just awesome s e x. Not love. I do not love him the way I should. I always thought we had so much in common, same music, same movies, that kind of thing. Well it turns out he doesn't like half the music I like. Movies, well what I like he doesn't really. I like comedy, the stupid comedy. We can't even watch a movie together without him saying how stupid it was, geesh I guess I like stupid things that makes me laugh. I am always trying to make him laugh because I like to have that affect on people, and because I like laughing too.
Think we need a counselor? yea me too but it won't happen because everything is fine. I think he just knows I won't/can't leave him because I can not make it as a single mom and I can not leave the kids. One of these days I am going to crack and shock everyone and just leave and dissappear. Bet it never crosses his mind that it was because of his lack of caring.
posted by sue @ 12:33 AM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
Sue - print this out and give it to him. Seriously.
Fri Mar 02, 02:28:00 AM 2007
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2007
To Gamble?
I am having this huge desire to go the casino. I can't go and the weather right now might be the only thing from stopping me. Why do I want to go, well it is something to do. It is exciting. Even when I seriously lose I leave having this sense that was fun. I feel bad because the money I lose could very well go to other things, like bills. But that overall feeling of fun and exciting usually overcome my guilt. I usually go alone but never feel lonely while I am there. The slot machine is my friend, even when I am losing it is still my friend.
I am trying to sort my thoughts as to why I need a friend right now. Well it could be my best friend, my husband, is totally not acknowledging me these days, especially the way I need him to do. It is more than s e x this time it is an emotional connection that is not there. I went to a bar last night and though I met some pretty neat people they are not people I will hang out with on a regular basis. Why? I am not a drinker, though I am finding I like a few beers. I still had that lonely feeling and still felt like I have no friends, felt like I was saying the wrong thing every time I opened my mouth so for the most part I sat there like and idiot. I want friends, I want people to go out with, shoot I would even be willing to go shopping at the mall just to hang out with people, people I like.
Wednesday is Valentines Day and I have no desire to get him anything. I am sure he will do the normal and come home with a card and maybe even some flowers or a box of candy and a note in the card saying if I want to go to dinner we can. Oh wait no dinner because that would mean he would have to actually plan something and find a sitter, so that won't happen. Which at the moment is fine because I can not stand him and do not want to go out in public with him anyway.
Today I was going trying to sort the kids clothes and organize the mess that was created in the attic. Instead of focusing on the real cleaning that needed to be done. He got mad because I didn't plan dinner. I don't know why he was mad I never plan dinner. But of course this only upsets him when he needs a reason to get upset with me. We need groceries and asking him to stop at the store is like asking him to go out and kill someone. He gets mad when I spend too much money at the store and instead of remedying the problem and going himself he just gets upset that we run out of things. I don't see how can be upset with me, well I can but as I told him in the past if he wanted little suzie homemaker for a wife then he should go find her, I am not her never have been, never will be. He is also wayy lazier than me. Sure he goes to work and provides for his family but when he gets home he does nothing for them. Well he throws together a meal when I don't but mostly they end up with sandwiches or fast food. Since I have been working and it is opposite hours of him I have done even less around the house, shoot I am only home two or three nights a week to even eat a meal at home. I have taught the older kids to do things like their own laundry and a few other things. My husband pretty much ran out of clean clothes, there was nice pile on the floor of our room, so I said to him he should probably do a load so he can have clean clothes. This was a month ago. I was doing some laundry and he said is there any of my stuff in there. I said if you were that concerned you should/could have done some any night for the past month.I am staying up tonight doing it along with the kids clothes because though I taught them how do their stuff they only do enough to get them through the week so the rest just piles up. So tonight I am staying up all night doing dishes, because everyone else forgot how to do them, well my husband washed just enough to make dinner tonight, but decided that was all he needed to do. I realize I am the wife and technically should be doing all of this stuff, but why can't he help out. I mean if he isn't going to take the kids outside or help with anything as far as house cleaning goes why should I feel guilty that he has to cook dinner? He doesn't do anything outside, I am the one that mows the lawn, I am the one that shovels, I am the one that snow blows, though he did that Saturday but that was his way getting out of moving furniture, I also complained that I couldn't get the fricken machine throught the snow. Turns I broke a couple a pins in the blades..ooops.. The kids take out the garbage...So tonight I will do my "wifely" duties and tomorrow I will drag myself around to get teh kids the kids off to school, and go shopping and finish up the upstairs and then I will probably not make dinner which in return will make everything I am doing unnoticed as usual.
His lack of respect for me is coming out in the kids. They totally disregard anything I say to them, they are not unruly but lazy. There is no order or organization in this house. I know this my fault but there is too many of them to keep up with. When I try to get order is ends up not lasting because he does not help keep things up. My I don't care attitude lately is also affecting them and I feel bad about that but am not sure how to get it in my head to do the right thing.
I want to be a good mother and a good wife, but evidently not enough to just do it. I don't know, I am obviously bitching about stupid stuff and should just get off my lazy ass and do it.
Well after all I just wrote about all that, I think I am understanding my need to gamble, it is not only my friend and my excitement it my way of running away from my problems. The problems that I keep creating for myself.
posted by sue @ 11:51 PM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
uh - print this one too.
And kids ONLY respect their mother if their father respects her...and teaches them to. And - having all boys - that is so essential - because how they treat you is how they will treat all women in their life.
Fri Mar 02, 02:33:00 AM 2007
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2007
I am so trivial
Here I am still upset that my husband who just doesn't get it. But there are REAL problems going on the world. Things I choose to ignore because if I ignore them they are not so real. I never watch the news it is always depressing. So today I decided to watch the news a little bit. They were talking about a guy that punched his baby last month because the baby wouldn't stop crying. Originally they tried to cover the story, then it was said that he and his girlfriend were fighting. Who the fuck does that!!!! It is disgusting. I look at my kids and imagine them when they were babies and even on their worst days of crying I could not even fathom the idea of punching, hitting or even shaking them.
Then I started to watch a interview with a democratic potential for President. They were asking the most stupid questions, let's degrade him now on t.v. before he ever gets a chance. I personally don't care that he smoked pot in high school, even more so I don't care that he inhaled. That was highschool, and I must admit that if he or any other potential canidate had the perfect childhood and never got into trouble than my first thought is either they are lying or they have not experienced life enough to run a country that needs so much help. You make a mistake, you learn from it, you move on and eventually grow up at least this is what I hope to believe, doesn't always happen. Now if it turned out that the guy was still doing drugs, well that would be an issue. About the only thing from any canidates past that would affect me to not consider them would be murder, rape, molestation, robbery, though stealing candy from a store when they were 10 not so much. Smoking dope, drinking, shit even an affair would not affect my vote so long as it is in the past and left there.Why? Because there are some things that just are not my business in anyones life. It is solely their discression to share that information with me not the medias choice. More to the point I think that movie stars, models and people in the music industry are more idols in the public than the President, or any other government official and they have much more influence on people too. So why do we as a society feel the need to downgrade a man/woman in the political field from what they did in their past and yet we idolize the "hollywood" industry for doing the same thing in the present. We are quick to bash a President for having an affair(though lying about it isn't exactly right) yet can't wait to see which movie star is cheating on their spouse and with whom. In either case it is not right but frankly it is not my business and I do not want to know about these things. I remember when a Presidential canidate(at the time) was being bashed for a DUI or something like that(from his past) and people were big time bashing him as an alcoholic and yet we have the need to want to know all about a movie stars drinking problem and they end up with more fame from it. Again none of my business. I realize a lot of people will say well the movie/music/sports industry is not running the country the President is. Well when you ask a kid who their idol is, where their influences in life comes from, how many are going to say President so&so or Governor so&so. It is going to be a famous, movie, sports, or music star. These are the people that are influencing our children, these are the people that some kids are being 'raised' by. These are the people that are influencing our future politicians and where they are learning their morals from. These people that are making mistakes and getting away with it. The ones the media are making a big deal about and they are 'hotter' than ever in their next movie or music debut. Yes I know it is up to us as parents to raise our kids with decency and to respect and be kind to everything on this earth but in reality and unfortunately the 'hollywood' types are winning.
If the man down the road goes out and gets drunk and makes an ass out of himself it is not going to show up on my news, yet if a goverment official or a "hollywood" type does the same exact thing they are alcoholics, yet only one of them gets bashed for it and the other basically gets praised for it....Now if the same 'nobody' goes and kills someone because he drank too much it is a public thing because it teaches us a 'lesson' that you fuck up you pay. Yet it is these types of crimes that get hidden or downgraded from the media/public when it is a big wig. At least until a 'nobody' wants there name all over the media then they will blow it out into the open but then it becomes more about them breaking the story instead of the story itself..So now our lesson about being careful while drinking becomes, hey if you have money and fame it doesn't matter what you do. Now I am not saying it is like that in all cases but when it comes to the real world there is so much falsehood out there no one ever really knows the truth, and we are so quick to believe the bad over the good. People will believe what they want to believe about whom they want to believe it in. There is always one person to see the good in someone and then the person next to them will tell you the bad.
This is my mind at work when I watch the news and why I try to avoid it.
posted by sue @ 10:00 PM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
WOW. WOW. Don't ever believe you do not have something to say, girlfriend. That's an awesome post. Edit out the swear words and send it to your newspaper. Seriously. Good stuff.
Fri Mar 02, 02:35:00 AM 2007
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2007
More thoughts about me
Some of my friends have me talking a lot lately about why I like to run from my problems. I feel like I should stop talking all together. Part of me keeps talking because it stops me from actually running. I fear if I keep talking that it is going turn into a big whoa is me escapade. I need to really start listening more. When I sit back and listen I actually learn more about me. Thinking too hard about stuff, well I get confused and my words and thoughts end up getting twisted and then I am contradicting myself or constantly repeating myself just using different words. I end questioning my thought process and then doubt myself more. I know they mean well but a lot of the time I just don't have an answer. I usually don't think about what I am doing I just do whatever is in my at the moment. I don't think ahead about the consequences or what effect my actions will have on others, I just do it. Whatever happens later happens. A better term is I live in the moment and I am usually fine doing that. Lately I haven't been okay with this process, I am trying to figure what my triggers are to get me to this point and I am just not finding them. Am I just looking for attention? Not just from my husband but from my friends as well. I would like to think that is not the case but I wonder if somehow it is. I am always looking to belong and be part of something, do some of these probelms I am having now only stem from my needing attention. I am not saying I am making anything up but I have never let it bother me this much nor have I ever talked about it so much.
I am the listener not the talker. I can mostly relate to what people say to em through my own experiences but other than a few statements to explain why I do understand them I keep my mouth shut and just listen. No one before has ever brought that around back to me and had me evaluate myself usually they just continue on about what is bothering them and I still just listen. This was always fine, this is what I thought was what being a good friend meant, let them work out their problems and be there for them, help if you can. I am not used to it being the other way around and am having a hard time doing so. I feel like when I am talking about myself and my problems that I am not being a good friend and it shouldn't be about me. I also fear if I keep doing so I will be seen as the girl with way too many self made issues that just don't need to be there and if she would get over herself and listen to people with real problems.
posted by sue @ 3:09 PM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
Growth is uncomfortable. It causes growing pains - stretch marks - literal aches in the middle of the night.
Don't stop talking...you're growing. :)
Fri Mar 02, 02:38:00 AM 2007
FRIDAY, MARCH 09, 2007
And they said i was a good mother
HA!!!!I have been staying up till 4 am most nights and then sleeping till 9am, when the second to last kid goes to school Then I get up and contend to the 3yr old, whom by this time has already had breakfast because the almost eight year old gets it for him every morning. Last night I was working till around 2am and didn't get home till around 2:30am or so. I then stayed up till around 4am and was woken up by the kids around 7am saying mommy Chris is puking. My response was where is he? Their response we are teaching him to puke in the toilet. Then I asked(still mostly asleep) if he puked anywhere else and they said on the chairbed and a little on the floor, I then said aww man it needs to be cleaned up and my 10year old said already did it. I don't remember much after that other then asking my oldest if he would stay home and help me because I couldn't wake up. I vaguely remembered them telling yes and that the 10 year was going to stay home too. So when the school called and woke me up again to see why my oldest wasn't in school I said yes they are both home because of a sick issue this morning. An hour later when I finally woke up for good I found out the ten year old went to school. Sure the school nurse thinks I am beyond crazy. I asked my oldest why he didn't try to keep waking me up, and he said , mom I know you closed the store last night and you were tired. He spent the morning changing diapers and feeding Chris crackers and watching cartoons with him while I slept. Great kid!!!! Bad mother!!!!
posted by sue @ 12:14 AM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
HA. Gotcha. Your theory might work if you had bad kids...but good kids come from good mothers...and GREAT kids (and I am agreeing with you here - see? :) - come from GREAT moms!
Glad you got some rest...see ya soon! :)
Sat Mar 10, 03:47:00 AM 2007
An end and a new beginning
Today I lost a friend, no not to death, just we are not friends anymore. She was full of drama , she was full of stories, more or less she was full of shit. Everything that came out of her mouth was about her and when you needed her the most she was not there. Where was she two weeks ago when I truly needed her, I needed to be able to tell her my life was falling apart and I needed her there to help figure what to do. Where was she, she was in her own world trying to figure how to fix the last lie. Sure we would talk on the phone but only long enough for her to say what she had to say and never to truly listen. She would make you think she was listening, she would say some quick statement about how she was sorry for what you were going through and in the same sentence it went back to her life was much worse and her problems were real, yours aren't. SO I listened to her and I kept my mouth shut, this was the breaking point for me for I now realize that just being a listener is not being a good friend. A good friend yes will listen but if you are going off in the wrong direction or you are asking for help or needing help than dammit help your friend. Don't just agree with them because you are afraid to upset them. Don't coddle them because they are too fragile. If they are your friend then they will listen to what you have to say. They do not have follow your advice but when asked for it they should listen to it. If it isn't soemthing they didn't want to hear tehn they shouldn't have asked. So today I am being a true friend, she said she was severing all ties with anyone in NY and I am letting her do so. Partly because I am done with her drama and lies and the other part is because we had been friends for almost 20 years and if this is truly what she wants then I will respect her and honor her wishes. I already know on my end the fight is over so instead of fighting for something that I know isn't there I am letting it end.
So to my friend Goodbye I wish you only the best in your life and hope that soemday you will see your error and find a true friend that you will not only talk to but you will let her talk and let her have her own opinion and be her own person. When you realize she is her own person with her own feelings and stories to tell I hope you will respect her enough to listen to her and help her instead of just deciding to move on to the next person whom you can mold to fit your needs.
posted by sue @ 3:46 AM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
Sue - you know already that I believe this - but you are a beautiful, strong and amazingly healthy woman. :) I know this was a difficult thing for you to do despite it being the 'right' thing to do for you. As you mourn her loss - I'm here. And - if I ever turn into JUST a talker or JUST a listener and am not being the friend to you that I consider YOU - I expect you to call me on it. :)
Sun Mar 11, 09:48:00 PM 2007
SUNDAY, MARCH 11, 2007
Some realizations
As I have been reading a few blogs I am realizing a few things about myself. One talks about diversity how diversity in life can be good. Yes it is good to aquaint yourself with all sorts of people. However if you finding yourself not fitting in or not sharing because you feel you don't fit in then it may time to move on. Move on to where I have not figured out yet. What I mean is when you can't grow somehwere anymore or do not want to it is time to move on and find what it is in life that will. I personally have been going through a rough time lately and I can't help but wonder if some of it because I have such a need, a desire to be in the drama that I don't care who I am with. I have this need/urgency to fit and belong and I will become exactly who I think they want me to be to fit in. I will only share what I think they want to hear. In another blog I was reading there was talk about weight loss and why they may be having a hard time doing so. Well I saw something there, I saw my reasoning for not getting healthy my true reason for staying fat. I now have to struggle with this and deal with it because until I do I may never be healthy, I may never be skinny(no I don't mean model skinny). I have to do this on my own because getting caught up in other people's lives isn't going to do it for me. It is going to leave me helping, encouraging them and as always I will put my feelings aside. Not because they won't listen to me but because this is just how I am. I need someone to challenge me to move forward. I need divirsity but not in the sense that there are just a lot of people with different views around me, I need it in the sense that I can be comfortable with all those around me. I need to be my true self and while I struggle to find who that is I can't keep going backwards in my life. I need change, It is going to be difficult to find exactly what I am looking for but I am ready to take that step and move forward to the next part of my life.
posted by sue @ 1:49 PM 1 comments
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Sophia said...
Just...HUGS. Don't know what else to say. But I'll be back to check for more. me. nothing to say. Doesn't that say it?
Sun Mar 11, 09:53:00 PM 2007
