Hello Blog

It's been awhile. Not much new stuff from my last post though. But it is a new year so why not at least write a little.

Family wise...Oldest is definitly a teenager and I am not sure either he nor I are prepared for the next 5 plus years. He is doing alright in school, has issues with doing homework and I think he is finally challenged but he doesn't know what to do. My child after all??!!..The next in line is my good boy but he doesn't get nearly the amount of attention he would like so the attitude in him is starting to show, course almost teenager, suppose it is expected...The next child is still struggling with his medical probs and mentally has issues on how to deal with it, of course we all do....And last but certainly not least the 4 yr old, whom has decided to stay in the terrible two stage forever. For his age he does have a great sense of humor. But he is such a trouble maker and likes to break things, of course his oldest brother's things appeal to him the most. Ughhhh the oldest is pretty much done with him and I don't have an easy solution for any of it.
Husband has resorted back to his old ways, not completely but is just shy of being there completely again. Can't say I have helped in the matter. I at least talk to him and tell him what I am thinking and try to tell him why it bothers me but either I don't 'get it out' right or he really just don't care all that much. Doesn't help that the one thing that is bothering him I just can't fix, even though it is completely my fault we are there. I have been trying, for the most part and except for one thing at x-mas time I have included him or gotten his opinion on most everything, which is so much more than what I usually do. But still I am not sure what it is he wants from me at this point.
Then there is me, I still prefer my own little world. Weight wise, well I have gained over 20 pounds since I stopped working. All that hard work to lose and it just went out the window, and I never did lose all of it :(...Thought I had the right mind set to just get started again and stick with it, but as I sit here tonight I am not so sure. Maybe it because I have been in a bad(or emotional) mood. Maybe it is just because I am so sure I will fail again. All I do know is that I don't fit in any of my clothes and I can't afford to buy new ones so I better get off my ass and move it.

Well thought I had more to write but it is late and the kids go back to school tomorrow so I better get some zzz's.

are you afraid of death?

yea I know real nice header.
It is strange as you get older you tend to think of death, or maybe it is just me. I realize I am not afraid to die,though I do not want it to happen anytime soon the idea of it happening does not scare me. I would like to at least see my kids grow up and maybe even a few grand kids but if it doesn't happen because of unforeseen circumstances I am alright with that. Strange of me to think that way, huh. Maybe it is because I am not ambitious and have basically done nothing with my life. I had kids young, married young. I did those things because I had no goals to do anything else in life. I wonder what would have happened if I had actually had dreams of what I wanted to do when I grew up and if I had any clue how to reach for those dreams. I still don't, to this day, know how to reach/finish any goals. I can't even do the simplest ones. I have small goals and never see end of those. I don't know if it is because I don't want too or if it is because i just don't know how to too.
My life is just day to day with nothing to do but sit here and wonder.
I get in these moods where I live in my own little world and lately I am having a hard time getting out of there. I am totally neglecting my family and friends. It is as though I have been so far away for so long that I don't know how to get back in their lives or if they even want me there when I am like this.
Now one might ask what is so bad that i can't get back into things, well honestly NOTHING. There is nothing so bad in my life that I should be like this. Sure I have family issues, who doesn't. Sure I am in total debt for the rest of my life, so is over half the country. I have a family that loves me(tho wonder bout the kids sometimes) and even though we struggle financially we still have each other, a roof over heads and food on the table(mostly).
So what is my problem? Your guess is as good as mine. I have often written about being bored but I am not bored right now. I had remedied that before by going out with some friends and having fun. Though right now I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to be physically be around people. So I guess that is another question. Why I hiding myself from the world?

To sleep or not sleep

It is 4:30am and I should be sleeping, ughhh. We have my husbands company picnic tomorrow/today at a water park and I so do not want to go. When he first brought it up I said fine since I know he and the kids like the water slides and stuff, and I thought it would be okay too. But for some reason I am having anxiety over it. It is strange I always have a need to be around people but large crowds of strangers freak me out, I would rather be with a smaller group of people that I know. I realized the last time we had gone out to a bar that the large groups get to me, of course if I get drunk I don't care as much, but today isn't a drinking day it is a family day. So I am not sure if my not sleeping is because of anxiety or just because I have been staying up till three in the morning almost every night and sleeping till ten or eleven in the morning. Regardless I should be tired by now.

Not much else new going on here. Worked my last day(again) Thursday night. The owner called me to thank me for covering and being on call and said he really truly appreciated it and wanted to make sure he personally called me to say so. I thought that was nice of him especially since my brother never said it to me. I have a feeling I may be called again in a month or two as my brother has put in his notice. He is going to be a 'wise man' lol...working for the wise potato chip company as a distributor. Not sure what all is going to happen at the pizza place, maybe the owner will sell or maybe my sister will manage it, I really don't care but I know I know if the owner calls me to work I will probably say okay. Maybe I like to torture myself.lol

Give me strength

I am such a sucker when it comes to family. I just can't seem to say no. I think I am afraid of them getting mad at me or being dissapointed in me. Why can't I just be an asshole and tell them I don't care. It is not my fault they are in the situation they are in. I did not cause it. Yet I feel obligated to fix it or at least try........
Why can't they just let me live in my own little world secluded from everyone and everything. I don't like reality and it is so much easier not dealing with it. Well the basics I am good with but anything that has drama or involves serious thinking or stress, I just don't want to be there right now. Right now I just want to sleep.........

Losing Grip

I don't understand how I can be up and motivated for a week or two and then down for months. I get in my head what I want and what I need to do then my mood swings and I just don't give a shit anymore what happens.

more on life and weight

Well here I am not having to go to work and almost loving it but not yet. It feels like a short week and like I am going to have to go in over the weekend so maybe next week will be better. I have been clearing out the porch little by little, well actually a lot but there is/was that much stuff out there so it just looks a little more dented each day. Next Wednesday we have to go to my brothers to get the big sectional couch they are giving us. It is going to be wierd having it in the house, it used to be my mom's couch, in fact I helped her pick it out and pay for it since I was living with her at the time. It will be nice though it has like five or six pieces to it, so my husband and the kids will actually be able to sit on the couch instead the floor, hardwoods aren't exactly comfortable to sit on for a long time. Since our couch hasn't completely fallen apart we are going to put it on the porch and a table and make a nice little place to hang out. I think some of the kids toys are going to go out there too. I want to get a better door and windows before I put anything of value out there, just too easy to break into at the moment so I don't want to worry about anything out there.

So my one brother is moving to Florida in one week. He will be about two to three hours away from my mom and somehow I bet they will still hardly see her. I think when they are driving down there they are going to stay with her one night(I am so jealous).I am happy for him for taking that chance and moving and sad as my family breaks up little more.

Now news on my other brother, he has made a career change which is a little shocking but given his home life at the moment understandable. Instead of franchising his own pizza place he is buying a potato chip distribution. He will have to work seven days a week and deliver to local stores and such, but it will mean he is home every night by 6pm. His wife loves that idea as she can not stand him working nights. That is a whole nother issue with them and kind of sad. He will also be home for his son who is sixteen now and is getting himself into some trouble so dad being home will be good for him(I hope).
He is going to reccomend my sister to be the manager of the store, guess I got out of there at the right time.lol, just kidding. She is not sure if she wants to do that though. Actually I think she does want it she does not have the confidence in herself to do it. Plus she still needs to work on her people skills. She also just started a part time job because she wasn't getting enough at the pizza place. If she were to pick one I personally think she go with the pizza one, at least that job goes somewhere and the management skills she will learn will be good for her resume in the future, but knwing her she will pick the minimum wage job that barely gives raises(she worked for this person before) just because she does not have enough faith in herself. I would do the management job but it is unlikely they can pay enough between having to work fifty to sixty hours or more if needed and having to pay sitters, I would never see my family.
Hmmm what else, oh my older sister started working with us at the pizza shop, she is a driver. my brother can now say at one time or another he had his whole family, including his parents, working for him at dominos at one time or another.lol

Well there is part of life stuff now the weight, first thing, notice how this wasn't the most important thing on my list as it is last. Well I am not sure who to talk to at the moment. I need help but not sure where to ask for it, only because I have asked so many times just to revert back to my old ways. I feel like a failure and when I get like this I don't want to talk to anyone because somehow I feel like I will bring them down with me. I don't like to do that so I tend avoid everyone and everything.

weight, life, emotions

I just can't seem to get it together. Kirk is finally doing things right, I mean he always did right by us, but he is finally doing all the things I want him to do. It seems like things couldn't be better. Yet they could, at least on my part. There are all these things I should be doing and things I want to do but when it comes down to it I am just fucking lazy. I wake up in the morning and hang with the youngest, then he goes to school and I either sit and watch t.v or I play on the stupid computer.

Diet wise I am just as lazy about that, I don't feel like cooking so I just eat whatever is the easiest to put together. If I am out and about then I end up with fast food. I can't figure out why I keep doing these things to myself. Why don't I have any ambition? There is so much to be done around the house and I just look at it and say screw it, it will get done someday. I can't stick to any type of commitment for more that a week or so, And every night I go to bed telling myself I will do better tomorrow and when tomorrow rolls around I am doing all the wrong things again.arggggggggg

My mind is in going so many different directions. I quit my job and though he said it is okay I can't help but worry that he didn't really mean that. Of course I give notice and it is four weeks later and I am still there and at least for another two or so weeks. YAY...NOT!!!!!!

I haven't gone out much lately and when I have Kirk is with me, which is great, but when he doesn't want to go out I am afraid to go alone, I am afraid of what he will think if I am out with people. Will he question what I am doing? Will he believe me when I tell him where I am am? Then I can't help but wonder how long it will be before he doesn't care at all, how long before he sees right through me again and just doesn't care if I am here or not. It bugs me that I am thinking this way, why can't I just trust that he means it this time that he really listens and gets what I am saying instead of his 'yea whatever' attitude. I think he is finally done going through my stuff, which is a plus. As said before I understand why he is doing it but just can't get over that eerie feeling that my stuff is being invaded, or that if I say something it will be taken the wrong way. Or maybe he is still going through my stuff hoping he finds answers to something that isn't there, and will never be there because it never was there to begin with.

Though I am not sure when it will happen I am sooo looking forward to going to Co again and seeing my friends, I miss them so much. I have been so out there lately that I am ignoring them again, of course they seem to be in the same boat as far as being talkative. I wish I could fly all over the world and be there for each of them, they all have stuff going on in their lives, some of it quite painful and I just don't know how to be there over the computer. If I were next to them I would be able to say something, well probably not, but I would be right there and they would just know I am there for them. Shit how do put in to words that you feel their sorrow, that even though you are not going through it directly, but because they mean so much to you that you hurt with them. The same goes when they have happiness in their lives.

With all the stuff going on at home lately I am really missing Jodi, I was always able to talk to her and she could bring me my mood up when I am down. Though for the past few years it hasn't been that way. I at least have a new friend, Sumner, but it just isn't the same, maybe someday it will be. I hope so she is pretty cool and she is a little out there which is so cool, because she is herself and doesn't care what others think about that.

Well I am sure there is so much more to say but I have an appointment in the morning and I have to close the store tomorrow night so I have to sleep now or at least try :(.......